Status Messenger - English

1. You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You should write it instead.

2. Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a minute; set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't

4. If your name was homework, i'de be doing you on my desk right now

5. Anyone can quit smoking, it takes a real man to fight cancer

6. Girls are like square numbers, if they're under 13 just do them in your head.

7. Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?

8. What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.

9. Your mum is so fat, she walked past the TV and i missed the first season of Lost.

10. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?!

11. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

12. I still miss my ex-girlfriend... but my aim is improving

13. Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

14. Screw me if I'm wrong, but have we met before?

15. If we're all God's children, what makes Jesus so special?

16. I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself.

17. I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.

18. When life gives you lemons, cut them in half and squirt life in the eye!

19. This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home...

20. You're as innocent as a nun doing push-ups in a cucumber field

21. My love is so great that a thousand men could not keep me from stalking you.

22. I used to think I was indecisive but now I'm not so sure.

23. Faith may move mountains but it was the whip that built the pyramids.

24. Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit."

25. If you are what you eat, then I'm fast, cheap and easy

26. Womens faults are many, while men have only two. Everything they say and everything they do.

27. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You already told that bitch twice!

28. If a man makes a statement in a forest, and there's no woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?

29. Baby, I didn't mean it like that... Everybody knows Ho is short for Honey

30. I'm pisexual. I am attracted to 3.142 different sexes.